Hi! I'm almost every girl you went to High School with!

We used to be casual acquaintances - I think I went to your birthday party once. Anyway, now I want to pretend we're best friends because of this thing called Facebook!

I live no further than 5 minutes from where I grew up and I still frequent all the places everyone went to in high school.

I've been divorced.

I wear badly applied make up in ample amounts.

My two favorite movies are Shrek and The Notebook.

My spouse/boyfriend is either a menacing rube or clearly a closeted homosexual.

I seem to party with my mom a lot.

I work a low paying data processing job, but have a mortgage for some reason.

I overdress for every occasion because I don't get out much. I've worn this bridesmaid dress to about 9 separate parties.

I am markedly homophobic.

I may try to send you chain letters if I have your email.

Look at all the pictures of my baby Kaylee or Shylee or Skylee or whatever. Look at all the giant fucking bows and headbands I make her wear! They're so big they obstruct her vision!

I can't spell.

I listen to and wear everything that was in style 8 to 10 years ago.

I comment on everything you do in some weird attempt to obtain validation.

I have become piously religious.

I copy and paste almost all my status updates because writing is hard.

I fucking love network television and only network television.

Check out my obese looking Pug/Chihuahua mix that I bought for $900 from the family down the street.

I add people I wasn't very nice to when I was a teenager because I assume your life has to be crappier than mine, but guess what? It isn't! I thought those were the greatest years of my life and guess what? They were! Now I grovel by using social networking to reconnect with people I treated poorly because I sincerely believed that performing fellatio in our unremarkable, drug imbued, working class high school was the thing that would distinguish me for life and set me up for decades of triumph.

On my mind

Hyper obesity is funny in animals, not funny in people, but hilarious in children. 

When I was little, I used to read my books aloud to myself in the voices of the characters. The only hindrance in this was that I couldn't read them in the library or during class designated silent reading time.

Looking forward to a vacation is sometimes more fun than going on said vacation. 

I don't really believe in the literal concept of the Antichrist, but I can make the supposition that if he were real, he would look and sound a lot like Billy Bush. 

I can say three phrases in French and they all involve ordering in restaurants. I do however know a lot of arbitrary nouns like cat, horse and bird. 

Highly conservative women of a certain age seem to prefer butch or "dikey" haircuts. 

Whenever I see a very fat man with a tiny dog - be he walking it or posing for an Olan Mills portrait - I am content knowing that all is ok with the world because people like that still exist. 

I am developing a theory about little people or "midgets". Whenever you are out and about you don't see very many of them. You may see two or three midgets a year. You may never see them at all if you live in a rural community. You also rarely see them at work. It's likely you've never seen a little person receptionist or barista or bartender. They're never working. BUT, in case you haven't noticed, there are a lot of midget porn banners and galleries online. Like, a ton of them. And it's not just the same two midgets over and over, it's a great deal of them. Thus, all midgets must be porn stars. Right?

John Stamos was never not a prince among men

Symposium on Pandora Stations

I listen to Spice Girls Radio on Pandora during my workout and I think its balance of feel good female rock and ecstasy fueled pop hits is both uplifting and cogent. Plus I like to imagine myself in tiny glitter shorts and faux fur coat, bouncing around in a private room with a mirror where no one can judge me.

The Beatles Radio sounds like a natural choice for more introspectively tasted people and they do occasionally play things from The White Album and Beatles For Sale, but they also tend to play a lot of Mamas And The Papas live recordings and Simon And Garfunkel. To me this is like adding The Smashing Pumpkins station and then getting The Cardigan's Lovefool after you just heard Zero. It's like "Yeah, I see you're taking me back to a place in time, but I'd just rather stick to the caliber and genre I requested, thank you."

Roxy Music Radio is good, but only makes a big connection to people who are females born between 1975 and 1988 that would also form a liking for Labyrinth, ironic unicorn sweaters and John Cusack. It's the kind of girl that says "I would like to make love to a man who wears skinny ties, but I'm too rooted in reality to know that that guy is probably nothing like Bryan Ferry or one of the 3 Ultimate David's [more on this later]. He would probably be really unlikable and insist upon himself in a way that I just could not emotionally support. I'm also better off not liking men who own eyeliner or men who smoke caustic old world cigarettes." A girl has to be practical.

Kate Bush Radio is my favorite Pandora discovery because I believe that when my husband walks in on me listening to it, he genuinely has no idea what's wrong with me that day. Did he do something? Have I started drinking wine too early? Am I thinking about my dead cat again? Given that I know Kate Bush is primarily popular with your Burning Man white dreadlocks, your lesbians, your Ren Fair seamstresses and your women's studies majors, it's easy to assume that married people who look at furniture showrooms together aren't typically listening to Babushka. If I add the Tori Amos station he's going to start asking questions.

Thoughts and Revelations

Kenley from Project Runway All-Stars is still a menacing social retard.

I'm gonna get bold and say that LeVar Burton is the most underrated person in America. Black History month should be 45% about him.

No one in my family has bought us a wedding gift from our gift registry.

I hate Facebook

I was working on stand up comedy recently when I realized I was never going to enjoy it or come up with more exemplar material if I didn't start up a blog again.

I used to have one. I used to make long, ambling posts with affected vocabulary and lots of self made (and self serving) quips.  I also used to have a grossly vainglorious LiveJournal.

I decided not to do that anymore. I also decided not to do Facebook anymore. What has happened to Facebook in the last 5 years, I liken to living in a party room filled with gourmet cupcakes, sardonic talking cats and an indie music jukebox suddenly being infiltrated with old acquaintances who've married people they dated since 9th grade and buy lottery tickets.

I have no shame in admitting I am an elitist. Don't get me wrong - I like internet memes and Pop Tarts - but I also like making fun of people who wear Crocs. I also canonize overpriced gourmet food and opinions with a vaguely liberal, but also schismatic slant. I guess it makes me sort of effete.

Something else hard to convey in Facebook is the kind of contempt I have for widespread love of horrible cultural phenomenons like Twilight and Farmville. If you indicate that people who hanker for that sort of rejectamenta are mentally unhurried in a status update, you lose popularity points amongst people you never wanted to be popular with in the first place.

It's easier to just be offensive anonymously while at the same time welcoming all who stumble upon your horrible horribleness.

Time to swap out a resentful Facebook and conceited LiveJournal for a resentful and conceited Blog.

Some other things I love are fashion, food (both fanciful and lowbrow), reviewing things, complaining, cats, early 90's television and unicorns.